Our Hands Tied

She recollects the time when they didn’t have the kids, the careers, the house, and the endless obligations. It’s hard to remember when it used to just be them in their apartment. There was freedom and focus on each other; the exploration and kind of ease that they hadn’t had in a long time.

There is a tension now that comes and goes; a weight of all that they are and have to be. It hangs like a giant balloon above them, and her and husband are always trying to keep it off the ground.

Since starting their family, there’s been a never-ending circuit: working, playing, feeding, changing, training, raising, teaching, loving, and running. There’s never a break. It’s a circle, and within that circle there’s love. Of course there is love, but there is frustration. There is exhaustion, and empty spaces that can’t be filled right now. There is nervous energy, and at times there’s brokenness.

“I loved you in spite of

Deep fears that the world would divide us

So, baby, can we dance

Oh, through an avalanche?

And say, say that we got it

I’m a mess, but I’m the mess that you wanted

Oh, ’cause it’s gravity

Oh, keeping you with me”

You don’t have to be a Taylor Swift fan to appreciate those lyrics from her song Dancing With Our Hands Tied. From her perspective, it seems this song is more about a break-up or relationship that she had to give up because of all the pressures. For me, married with little ones, I relate to what she’s saying in a different way.

I remember the first time I listened to it and the lyrics made me get teary-eyed. It’s a humbling and realistic statement to being with someone you love, but feeling miles apart. The kind of apart that happens when you transition from just being lovers to being parents too. It’s about being rushed into a stage of life that’s a paradox: so much love and life yet bouts of anger and loneliness. It’s wanting more with your partner, but having less because your “hands are tied” to other people and other obligations. 

My husband and I have gotten really good at telling each other we are doing the best we can; but it feels like we are in fact “dancing with our hands tied.” Many times, we are split up in our efforts; you handle this and I’ll handle that. We’re trying to keep things going, and keep up with the pace of the music. All the while, we have to find the time and the energy to give something to each other. It’s tough, and you can see how people throw in the towel. It takes grit to keep things together. 

We just need to be honest and have more conversations around the fact that children, careers, and other life changes alter our relationships. Yes, you still love each other, but on the other hand, there is a sacrifice that is made. You lose a part of yourselves and your relationship. Being honest about that, as well as accepting all that comes with changes, brings in the tenderness we need to motivate us .

In spite of it all, I hope we can steal the moments alone when we need them, and remember who we were before we let everything take hold. We owe it to our relationships, our kids, and ourselves to keep dancing.