Two years ago today, there was an article posted on Psychology Today explaining the results of a Thanksgiving survey done by the Harris Poll on behalf of American Greetings. This survey shed light on why many people are NOT thankful on Thanksgiving. Three out of five Americans said they would rather do something else than reflect on why they are thankful on Thanksgiving. Why is that?
Holiday Stress Causes People to Not be Thankful
In the aforementioned article, it was stated that 71% of Americans said that the holidays in general cause them stress. Shopping for gifts is the top reason, being with family is second, and cooking large holiday meals is third. I’d like to focus on the second source of stress, which is being with family. The top concern or source of stress that I hear most from clients is “dealing with family.” How can that be improved, or become less of a stressor? Here are some ideas from my own experience, and from reading about other people’s experiences:
Stop Coming from a Place of Defense
When you always feel threatened by someone, it’s easy to be defensive and ready to fire back before you even see the person. Putting yourself in this frame of mind is only going to increase your stress level, and create tension. Rather than preparing for the worst, prepare to lead by example. If you want to have a peaceful time, then be a leader in creating peace. If you want to have fun, bring a game or old pictures to look at. This will break the tension and get everyone’s focus on something enjoyable. Go outside and take deep breaths if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Disconnect from the gathering for a few minutes in some way to get centered again. Find your peace as many times as you need to when you’re in a situation that’s taxing on your mind and emotions.
Drive the Conversation
Unfortunately, holidays are a time when people want to know things like….. why you don’t have a litter of children, or why you haven’t switched jobs yet. It can be a time of probing and people trying to get as much information out of you as possible. Conversations can be more like interrogation. If you are asked an uncomfortable question like, “So, when are you and ____ going to have a baby.” You could maybe say, “Actually…right now. Excuse me.” Then you can literally walk away and take your significant other for some air. Maybe that question won’t come up again?
You can always flip questions back to the person too. If they ask about your job, you can tell them you don’t want to bore them and then ask how their career is going. Having a sense of humor and taking some time to think before speaking can save you.
Look for the Silver Lining
Sure, it can be tough to spend a day or evening with people that you aren’t totally in love with. No family is perfect, and even the ones who seem totally together have issues that are being very well hidden. We’re humans, and we all have problems. Don’t let the fakers fool you. Most importantly, don’t think that you’re alone in the feeling of “why is my family so messed up?” We all are.
Having said that, there’s a lot to be thankful for, even in situations that aren’t ideal. Maybe what you’re thankful for is that you only have to see these people one or two days a year. If that’s your silver lining, then so be it. If you are a foodie, and love cooking, then focus on the meal. Focus on bringing the edible joy to the table, and immerse yourself in the tasks in the kitchen. If there’s a quiet room where no one is really hanging out, then go in there and take a nap. You deserve a break. With a baby, it’s even easier to hide away and doze off. Do you love the little ones? Bring games and be in charge of keeping the kids happy. If it keeps you away from someone you want to flip out on, and you have fun, then that’s great.
There’s Always Something to be Thankful For
With a little pre-planning and looking at the big picture, you can survive Thanksgiving and other holidays. If being with your family drains you, then balance that out with spending time with people you love to be with. Have a Friendsgiving, or just get people together for a game night or dinner. By giving yourself something to look forward to over your holiday, you are increasing your odds of feeling grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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